A Funny Perry Mention
Mar 10, 2006 13:35:04 GMT -5
Post by perrynow on Mar 10, 2006 13:35:04 GMT -5
Easy steps to throwing a great party
by Eric Feigner and Leslie Davis
Editor’s Note: This is both a humor and advice column. Neither Leslie Davis nor Eric Feigner have any degree or professional experience in counseling or dealing with sexual ailments or difficulties. Common sense reigns supreme in this column; glean from it what you will. Questions can be sent to leslieanderic@hotmail.com or dropped off at the forum desk in the Barometer newsroom, 106 MU East. All questions submitted to Leslie and Eric are subject to being answered in their column.
Who loves the rain? We love the rain. Where else can you attend a make-shift wet T-shirt contest on a government owned property?
Dear Eric and Leslie,
I have been trying to plan a killer party to celebrate the end of winter term, but I am a little worried because all of my parties end up lame and people leave by 10 p.m. What am I doing wrong?
— Socially Awkward
Dear Awkward,
First off, you didn’t invite the two reigning party starters. Eric and Leslie just happen to be the best thing to hit a party since midgets, Jell-O, white powders and wet T-shirt contests. However, since we are in such high demand, we have come up with a list of second bests. So put on your party helmet and get ready to rock.
The first step is to get a healthy mixture of both forms of genitalia in attendance. The lack of women is a common misstep among rookie hosts. Sure, that Sausage Festival you attended last summer was both delicious and satisfying, but leave that to the Germans. Too many pork swords and not enough uteri is just asking for guests to abort. And not in the fun way that Roe v. Wade taught us.
Now for the obvious: intoxicants, lots and lots of intoxicants. We know that not everyone needs alcohol or drugs to have fun, but we’re talking about real parties, not a youth-group weekend retreat.
Some common supplies: beer, vodka, rum, tequila, whisky, Everclear, marijuana, hash, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, peyote, mescaline, meth, asbestos, crack, Ecstacy, PCP, heroin, steroids, spray paint, amyl nitrite, opium, nitrous oxide and some snack food. We recommend Healthy-Choice White-Chedder Popcorn – you gotta take care of your body.
Combine all of the above (hopefully in one sitting) with a killer theme and you’re on the road to success.
Themes are the best way to lock people in to sticking around. Where else are people going to go at 11 o’clock at night wearing a toga or assless chaps? Excluding La Conga, they are pretty much stuck. When we throw a party, to spice things up we enjoy telling different themes to different people — that way everyone feels stupid. Except for us; we are awesome.
To clench the deal, a solid music catalogue must be prepared. Sure, the latest and greatest hip-hop cuts are always a favorite, but to really get things going, you need songs that everyone knows and can drunkenly sing along to. Old favorites include Journey and old school Michael Jackson. If you can’t weasel your way into some girl’s pants through Steve Perry or some young boy’s pants through Michael Jackson, you are beyond our help.
Be on guard for the party crashers who will attempt to break up your intricately-planned shindig resulting in everything going tits up. Watch out for the assholes who cleverly remove all the toilet paper from your house and anything that could possibly be used for whipping purposes. Peeing on a couch or in a shampoo bottle may seem like a good idea to these winners, but it’s a pain to clean up the next day. We don’t care what Martha Stewart says, the smell of urine on a couch is never kosher, but it surprisingly provides a nice healthy gloss to damaged split ends.
If all of these fail-safe components still leave you alone in a toga on Friday night, there is only one explanation: You suck at life.
Until next time faithful readers ... peace out.
by Eric Feigner and Leslie Davis
Editor’s Note: This is both a humor and advice column. Neither Leslie Davis nor Eric Feigner have any degree or professional experience in counseling or dealing with sexual ailments or difficulties. Common sense reigns supreme in this column; glean from it what you will. Questions can be sent to leslieanderic@hotmail.com or dropped off at the forum desk in the Barometer newsroom, 106 MU East. All questions submitted to Leslie and Eric are subject to being answered in their column.
Who loves the rain? We love the rain. Where else can you attend a make-shift wet T-shirt contest on a government owned property?
Dear Eric and Leslie,
I have been trying to plan a killer party to celebrate the end of winter term, but I am a little worried because all of my parties end up lame and people leave by 10 p.m. What am I doing wrong?
— Socially Awkward
Dear Awkward,
First off, you didn’t invite the two reigning party starters. Eric and Leslie just happen to be the best thing to hit a party since midgets, Jell-O, white powders and wet T-shirt contests. However, since we are in such high demand, we have come up with a list of second bests. So put on your party helmet and get ready to rock.
The first step is to get a healthy mixture of both forms of genitalia in attendance. The lack of women is a common misstep among rookie hosts. Sure, that Sausage Festival you attended last summer was both delicious and satisfying, but leave that to the Germans. Too many pork swords and not enough uteri is just asking for guests to abort. And not in the fun way that Roe v. Wade taught us.
Now for the obvious: intoxicants, lots and lots of intoxicants. We know that not everyone needs alcohol or drugs to have fun, but we’re talking about real parties, not a youth-group weekend retreat.
Some common supplies: beer, vodka, rum, tequila, whisky, Everclear, marijuana, hash, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, peyote, mescaline, meth, asbestos, crack, Ecstacy, PCP, heroin, steroids, spray paint, amyl nitrite, opium, nitrous oxide and some snack food. We recommend Healthy-Choice White-Chedder Popcorn – you gotta take care of your body.
Combine all of the above (hopefully in one sitting) with a killer theme and you’re on the road to success.
Themes are the best way to lock people in to sticking around. Where else are people going to go at 11 o’clock at night wearing a toga or assless chaps? Excluding La Conga, they are pretty much stuck. When we throw a party, to spice things up we enjoy telling different themes to different people — that way everyone feels stupid. Except for us; we are awesome.
To clench the deal, a solid music catalogue must be prepared. Sure, the latest and greatest hip-hop cuts are always a favorite, but to really get things going, you need songs that everyone knows and can drunkenly sing along to. Old favorites include Journey and old school Michael Jackson. If you can’t weasel your way into some girl’s pants through Steve Perry or some young boy’s pants through Michael Jackson, you are beyond our help.
Be on guard for the party crashers who will attempt to break up your intricately-planned shindig resulting in everything going tits up. Watch out for the assholes who cleverly remove all the toilet paper from your house and anything that could possibly be used for whipping purposes. Peeing on a couch or in a shampoo bottle may seem like a good idea to these winners, but it’s a pain to clean up the next day. We don’t care what Martha Stewart says, the smell of urine on a couch is never kosher, but it surprisingly provides a nice healthy gloss to damaged split ends.
If all of these fail-safe components still leave you alone in a toga on Friday night, there is only one explanation: You suck at life.
Until next time faithful readers ... peace out.
